I married your mother because I wanted children. Imagine my disappointment when you arrived.
You’re about as pleasant as an itchy butthole.
I just Googled “what do women REALLY want?” My computer crashed.
Don’t follow my footsteps. I run into walls.
IfI am extra sarcastic with you it probably means I’m flirting with you or you really annoy me or I can’t handle your shit .
Have fun figuring out which.
Sorry about those texts I sent you last night, my phone was drunk.
I come up with the best ideas when sitting on the toilet then forget them after the flush.
When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?
No, I don’t have a solution, but I certainly admire the problem.
I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.