Most hilarious collection of short funny quotes and hilarious funny sayings. Be ready get yourself rolling on the floor with laughter.

Be fruitful and multiply

Some guy hit my fender and I said “be fruitful and multiply” but not in those words.
Woody Allen

Shape a husband out of

I should like to see any kind of a man, distinguishable from a gorilla, that some good and even pretty woman could not shape a husband out of.
Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.

So many options for suicide

So many options for suicide:
Poison, sleeping pills, hanging, jumping from a building, lying on train tracks, but we chose Marriage, slow but sure!

When you are waiting for the bus

When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here?
Billy Connoly

When I was born

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When I was born … the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father … I’m very sorry. We did everything we could … but he pulled through.
Rodney Dangerfield

Sneak behind the barn

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
Johyn Carson

When we got married..

When we got married I told my wife “If you leave me, I’m going with you. And she never did.
James Fineous McBride

If women dressed for men

If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn’t sell much — just an occasional sun visor.
Groucho Marx

After a quarrel

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” She replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.

Love is like a fart

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Love is like a fart.
If you have to force it, it’s probably a crap.

I just broke up with

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was ‘You’ll never find anyone like me again!’ I’m thinking, ‘I should hope not! If I don’t want you, why would I want someone like you?’

The opposite sex is most

The opposite sex is the most dangerous
and addictive drug out there,
but the high is unlike anything else.

Always remember

Always remember, money isn’t everything – but also remember to make a lot of it before talking such fool nonsense.
Earl Wilson

If the world rule by women

If the world were ruled by women then there would be no war… just couple of nations not talking with each other.

How bad a person you are

You can figure out how bad a person you are by how soon after September 11th you masturbated, like how long you waited… and for me it was between the two buildings going down… I had to do it, otherwise they’d win.
Louis CK

Laughing at you

Roses are red, violets are blue, a face like yours, belongs in the zoo, don’t be mad, i’ll be there, not in the cage, but laughing at you.

Women’s Brain

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Strange thing about women’s brain, there’s nothing right in left side, and nothing left on the right side.


Fart when people hug you. It makes them feel strong.


When in doubt, mumble.

Beer makes you feel

Beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer.
Henry Lawson                                                

Who says

Who says nothing is impossible. I’ve been doing nothing for years.

You gotta stay in shape

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.
E. DeGeners

If God

If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.
Mel Brooks

How many people

How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.
Emo Phillips

New car or new wife

When a man opens the car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.
Prince Philip


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