I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.
Kin Hubbard

Quitting facebook is the new, adult version of running away from home. We all know you’re doing it for attention, And we all know that you’ll be back.

10 Fun Facts

1- You can’t wash your eyes with soap.
2- You can’t count your hairs.
3- You can’t breathe through your nose, with your tongue out.
4- You just tried No.3.
6- When you did No.3 you realized it’s possible only you look like a dog.
7- You’re smiling right now because you’re fooled.
8- You skipped No. 5.
9- You just checked to see if there’s No. 5
10- Share this with your friends to have some fun too. :)

I married your mother because I wanted children. Imagine my disappointment when you arrived.
Groucho Marx

You’re about as pleasant as an itchy butthole.

I just Googled “what do women REALLY want?” My computer crashed.

Don’t follow my footsteps. I run into walls.

IfI am extra sarcastic with you it probably means I’m flirting with you or you really annoy me or I can’t handle your shit .

Have fun figuring out which. :)

Sorry about those texts I sent you last night, my phone was drunk.