I am grateful for my crazy, psycho, insane and just totally messed up friends. Normal people scare the crap out of me.
Someone should open up a restaurant called “I don’t care”. Then we can finally go to that restaurant my girlfriends always talking about.”
Q: Why don’t farts graduate from high school?
A: Because they always end up getting expelled!
Don’t you hate it when you fart under your blanket, lift your foot to air it out but instead you unintentionally lift the other end of the blanket and get the full load in your face?
Women spend their whole life to find the right man just to tell him everyday that he is wrong.
A child’s greatest period of growth is the month after
you’ve purchased new school clothes.
Today is your day to laugh at life,
laugh at what’s funny – laugh at what’s sad,
laugh loud – laugh often,
laugh at me – laugh at you – laugh at life.
Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Next time you need to fart in public, say this….
“Do I smell popcorn?” Then watch everyone take a deep breath and fart.
Laugh and the world laughs with you; fart and they’ll stop laughing.
Things to do today:
1. Dig a hole
2. Name it Love
3. Watch people fall in Love
You don’t have to be smart to laugh at farts but you have to be stupid not to.
“What happens after you die?”
“Lot’s of things happen after you die – they just don’t involve you.”
A degree of friendship is called slight when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous.”
Life’s a tough proposition, and the first hundred years are the hardest.
You remind me of my chinese friend….Ug Lee.
Beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer.
When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was Fun.
Friends are like condoms, they protect you when things get hard.
Friendship … is born at the moment when one man says to another “What! You too? I thought I was the only one….”
I wake up when I can’t hold my PEE any longer.
Does anybody know how to disable the auto-correct feature on my wife ?
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive? When you swerve to miss a tree than realize it was you air-freshner.
I hate how after an argument, I think about more clever stuffs I could have said.
Trust me, You can dance.
Arguing with a women is like reading the software license agreement. In the end, you ignore everything and click “I Agree.”
When I’m on my death bed, I want my final words to be “I left one million dollars in the…