Most hilarious collection of short funny quotes and hilarious funny sayings. Be ready get yourself rolling on the floor with laughter.

Be fruitful and multiply

Some guy hit my fender and I said “be fruitful and multiply” but not in those words.
Woody Allen

Shape a husband out of

I should like to see any kind of a man, distinguishable from a gorilla, that some good and even pretty woman could not shape a husband out of.
Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.

So many options for suicide

So many options for suicide:
Poison, sleeping pills, hanging, jumping from a building, lying on train tracks, but we chose Marriage, slow but sure!

When you are waiting for the bus

When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here?
Billy Connoly

When I was born

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When I was born … the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father … I’m very sorry. We did everything we could … but he pulled through.
Rodney Dangerfield

Sneak behind the barn

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
Johyn Carson

When we got married..

When we got married I told my wife “If you leave me, I’m going with you. And she never did.
James Fineous McBride

If women dressed for men

If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn’t sell much — just an occasional sun visor.
Groucho Marx

After a quarrel

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” She replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.

Love is like a fart

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Love is like a fart.
If you have to force it, it’s probably a crap.

I just broke up with

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was ‘You’ll never find anyone like me again!’ I’m thinking, ‘I should hope not! If I don’t want you, why would I want someone like you?’

The opposite sex is most

The opposite sex is the most dangerous
and addictive drug out there,
but the high is unlike anything else.

Always remember

Always remember, money isn’t everything – but also remember to make a lot of it before talking such fool nonsense.
Earl Wilson

If the world rule by women

If the world were ruled by women then there would be no war… just couple of nations not talking with each other.

How bad a person you are

You can figure out how bad a person you are by how soon after September 11th you masturbated, like how long you waited… and for me it was between the two buildings going down… I had to do it, otherwise they’d win.
Louis CK

Brokne fan belt

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

Spark of madness

You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it.
Robin Williams

College is a place

A college is a place where pebbles are polished and diamonds dimmed.

Clever and stupid

To be clever enough to get all the money, one must be stupid enough to want it.
G.K. Chesterton

Ready to learn

I am always ready to learn, but I do not always like being taught.
Winston Churchill

Grant me the serenity to

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I killed because they were annoying.

If left side of brain

If the left side of your brain controls the right side of your body, then only left handed people are in their right mind.

Advice is like

Advice is like castor oil, easy to give, but dreadful to take.
Josh Billings


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