The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up and does not stop until you get into the office.
When I was born … the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father … I’m very sorry. We did everything we could … but he pulled through.
Girls have an unfair advantage over men: If they can’t get what they want by being smart, they can get it by being dumb.
We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don’t like?
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said, ‘No, Six should be enough.
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir … mighty scarce.
People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who
haven’t what they want that they don’t want it.
I didn’t fall. The floor just needed a hug.
Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first. And, whatever you hit, call it the target.
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where the hell she is.
They’ve finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.
Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.
A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, “Who Should we notify in case of an accident?” He mulls it over and then writes, “Anybody in sight!”
Some people live upside down. They like to talk out their ass and the only thing that comes outta their mouth is shit.
Graduation Speech: I’d like to thank the internet, Google, Wikipedia, Microsoft Word, and Copy & Paste.
It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.
A good lawyer knows the law; a clever one takes the judge to lunch.
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
If things get any worse, I’ll have to ask you to stop helping me.
Yes, madam, I am drunk. But in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
Winston Churchill (I like this funny quote the most)
The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government.
A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
Confidence is the sexiest thing a woman can have. It’s much sexier than any body part.
Pessimist : A person who says that O is the last letter of ZERO, instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.
God made mud, God made dirt, God made boys so girls can flirt.
Ask no questions. Hear nor lies.
If you can make a girl laugh – you can make her do anything.
The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.
It takes 8,460 bolts to assemble an automobile, and one nut to scatter it all over the road.
If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight.
I got caught kissing, like by my parents. It was so horrible. It’s so embarrassing, I’m blushing.
TV has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other.
Cheese, wine, and a friend must be old to be good.
Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working with one.
Chaos, Panic, Pandemonium – my work here is done.
When a subject becomes totally obsolete we make it a required course.
Peter F. Drucker
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.
If you ask me anything I don’t know, I’m not going to answer.
If it’s sent by ship then it’s a cargo, if it’s sent by road then it’s a shipment.
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
Carl Gustav Jung
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
Arguing about whether the glass is half full or half empty misses the point, which is this: the bartender cheated you.
Thank you Facebook, I can now farm without going outside, cook without being in my kitchen, feed fish I don’t have & waste an entire day without having a life.
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?
In the primary school, I was an outstanding student. My teacher would send me to stand outside of the class as a punishment.
Don’t let your mind wander, Its too little to be let out alone.
If you are talking behind my back, you are in a good position to kiss my a$$.
Teacher ends the class early with “okay that’s enough for today; I need to update my face-book status.
I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.
After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say “I WANT TO SEE THE MANAGER.”.
William S. Burroughs
Some people come into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts, while others come into our lives and make us wanna leave footprints on their face.
Don’t you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?
Sorry, I can’t hangout. My uncle’s cousin’s sister in law’s best friend’s insurance agent’s roommate’s pet goldfish died. Maybe next time.
As you were, I was. As I am, you will be.
Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it’s hard to get it back in.
May I be excused? My brain is full.
Why go to college? There’s Google.
Kids are like farts. You don’t mind your own, but other peoples are unbearable.
I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, “I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.” And I said, “I am.”
Microsoft bought Skype for 8,5 billions!.. what a bunch of idiots! I downloaded it for free!
Nobody goes where the crowds are anymore. It’s too crowded.
The human body was designed by a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?