Most hilarious collection of short funny quotes and hilarious funny sayings. Be ready get yourself rolling on the floor with laughter.

I am grateful

I am grateful for my crazy, psycho, insane and just totally messed up friends. Normal people scare the crap out of me. 

Someone should open up a restaurant

Someone should open up a restaurant called “I don’t care”. Then we can finally go to that restaurant my girlfriends always talking about.”

Why don’t farts

Q: Why don’t farts graduate from high school?
A: Because they always end up getting expelled!
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Fart under your blanket

Don’t you hate it when you fart under your blanket, lift your foot to air it out but instead you unintentionally lift the other end of the blanket and get the full load in your face?

Find the right man

Women spend their whole life to find the right man just to tell him everyday that he is wrong.

School clothes

A child’s greatest period of growth is the month after
you’ve purchased new school clothes.

Laugh at life

Today is your day to laugh at life,
laugh at what’s funny – laugh at what’s sad,
laugh loud – laugh often,
laugh at me – laugh at you – laugh at life.
Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Fart in public

Next time you need to fart in public, say this….
“Do I smell popcorn?” Then watch everyone take a deep breath and fart.

Things to do today

Things to do today:
1. Dig a hole
2. Name it Love
3. Watch people fall in Love

Laugh at farts

You don’t have to be smart to laugh at farts but you have to be stupid not to.
Louis CK

After You die

“What happens after you die?”
“Lot’s of things happen after you die – they just don’t involve you.”

A degree of friendship

A degree of friendship is called slight when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous.”
Ambrose Bierce

First hundred years

Life’s a tough proposition, and the first hundred years are the hardest.
Wilson Mizner

Ug Lee

You remind me of my chinese friend….Ug Lee.

Beer makes you feel

Beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer.
Henry Lawson                                                

When you’re in jail

When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was Fun.

Friends are like

Friends are like condoms, they protect you when things get hard.

What! You too

Friendship … is born at the moment when one man says to another “What! You too? I thought I was the only one….”

Does anybody know

Does anybody know how to disable the auto-correct feature on my wife ?

Too drunk to drive

How do you know when you are too drunk to drive? When you swerve to miss a tree than realize it was you air-freshner.

after an argument

I hate how after an argument, I think about more clever stuffs I could have said.

Arguing with women

Arguing with a women is like reading the software license agreement. In the end, you ignore everything and click “I Agree.”

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