FIRST ACTRESS (behind the scenes)—”Did you hear the way the public wept during my death scene?” SECOND ACTRESS “Yes, it must have been because they realized that it was only acted!”
Middle Age is that perplexing time of life when we hear two voices calling us, one saying, “Why not?” and the other “Why bother?
Sydney J. Harris
Life is like a roll of toilet paper; hopefully long and useful, but it always ends at the wrong moment.
I think I’ve discovered the secret of life – you just hang around until you get used to it.
Every man`s dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?… He`s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!
I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
Three weeks ago one of my dreams came true. I finally got to see something I always wanted to witness live. I finally saw someone get hit by a car… Nailed!
When we got married I told my wife “If you leave me, I’m going with you. And she never did.
James Fineous McBride
I used to think you were awesome. But now I just kind of think you’re a jerk.
I once prayed to god for a bike, but quickly found out he didn’t work that way…so I stole a bike and prayed for his forgiveness.
Always remember, money isn’t everything – but also remember to make a lot of it before talking such fool nonsense.
The opposite sex is the most dangerous
and addictive drug out there,
but the high is unlike anything else.
I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was ‘You’ll never find anyone like me again!’ I’m thinking, ‘I should hope not! If I don’t want you, why would I want someone like you?’
When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here?
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
I should like to see any kind of a man, distinguishable from a gorilla, that some good and even pretty woman could not shape a husband out of.
Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.
Some guy hit my fender and I said “be fruitful and multiply” but not in those words.
When I was born … the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father … I’m very sorry. We did everything we could … but he pulled through.