Be fruitful and multiply
Some guy hit my fender and I said “be fruitful and multiply” but not in those words.
Woody Allen
Most hilarious collection of short funny quotes and hilarious funny sayings. Be ready get yourself rolling on the floor with laughter.
Some guy hit my fender and I said “be fruitful and multiply” but not in those words.
Woody Allen
I should like to see any kind of a man, distinguishable from a gorilla, that some good and even pretty woman could not shape a husband out of.
Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.
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When I was born … the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father … I’m very sorry. We did everything we could … but he pulled through.
Rodney Dangerfield
So many options for suicide:
Poison, sleeping pills, hanging, jumping from a building, lying on train tracks, but we chose Marriage, slow but sure!
Unknown
When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here?
Billy Connoly
I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
Johyn Carson
The opposite sex is the most dangerous
and addictive drug out there,
but the high is unlike anything else.
Always remember, money isn’t everything – but also remember to make a lot of it before talking such fool nonsense.
Earl Wilson
If the world were ruled by women then there would be no war… just couple of nations not talking with each other.
You can figure out how bad a person you are by how soon after September 11th you masturbated, like how long you waited… and for me it was between the two buildings going down… I had to do it, otherwise they’d win.
Louis CK
When we got married I told my wife “If you leave me, I’m going with you. And she never did.
James Fineous McBride
If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn’t sell much — just an occasional sun visor.
Groucho Marx
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” She replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.
Unknown
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright
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Love is like a fart.
If you have to force it, it’s probably a crap.
I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was ‘You’ll never find anyone like me again!’ I’m thinking, ‘I should hope not! If I don’t want you, why would I want someone like you?’
Anonymous
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
Groucho Marx
Sometimes I think that I’m an alcoholic…but then I realize I’ll forget that when I’m drunk.
AP
Those who cast the votes decide nothing; those who count the votes decide everything.
Joseph Stalin
Love makes the world go round? Not at all. Whiskey makes it go round twice as fast.
Compton Mackenzie
I’m not so much interested in the return ON my money as I am in the return OF my money.
Will Rogers
Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between s*x and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
Unknown
To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
Dumb and Dumber
Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.
Unknown
Ever since the young men have owned motorcycles, incest has been dying out.
Max Frisch
Some folks can look so busy doing nothin’ that they seem indispensable.
Kin Hubbard
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