Some guy hit my fender and I said “be fruitful and multiply” but not in those words.
Woody Allen

I should like to see any kind of a man, distinguishable from a gorilla, that some good and even pretty woman could not shape a husband out of.
Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.

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When I was born … the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father … I’m very sorry. We did everything we could … but he pulled through.
Rodney Dangerfield

So many options for suicide:
Poison, sleeping pills, hanging, jumping from a building, lying on train tracks, but we chose Marriage, slow but sure!
Unknown

When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here?
Billy Connoly

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
Johyn Carson

The opposite sex is the most dangerous
and addictive drug out there,
but the high is unlike anything else.

Always remember, money isn’t everything – but also remember to make a lot of it before talking such fool nonsense.
Earl Wilson

If the world were ruled by women then there would be no war… just couple of nations not talking with each other.

You can figure out how bad a person you are by how soon after September 11th you masturbated, like how long you waited… and for me it was between the two buildings going down… I had to do it, otherwise they’d win.
Louis CK

When we got married I told my wife “If you leave me, I’m going with you. And she never did.
James Fineous McBride

If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn’t sell much — just an occasional sun visor.
Groucho Marx

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” She replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.
Unknown

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was ‘You’ll never find anyone like me again!’ I’m thinking, ‘I should hope not! If I don’t want you, why would I want someone like you?’
Anonymous

Marrying for love may be a bit risky, but it is so honest that God can’t help but smile on it.
Josh Billings

Those who cast the votes decide nothing; those who count the votes decide everything.
Joseph Stalin

Love makes the world go round? Not at all. Whiskey makes it go round twice as fast.
Compton Mackenzie

I’m not so much interested in the return ON my money as I am in the return OF my money.
Will Rogers

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between s*x and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
Unknown

To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
Dumb and Dumber

Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.
Unknown

Ever since the young men have owned motorcycles, incest has been dying out.
Max Frisch