Some guy hit my fender and I said “be fruitful and multiply” but not in those words.
Woody Allen

I should like to see any kind of a man, distinguishable from a gorilla, that some good and even pretty woman could not shape a husband out of.
Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.

So many options for suicide:
Poison, sleeping pills, hanging, jumping from a building, lying on train tracks, but we chose Marriage, slow but sure!
Unknown

When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here?
Billy Connoly

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When I was born … the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father … I’m very sorry. We did everything we could … but he pulled through.
Rodney Dangerfield

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
Johyn Carson

If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn’t sell much — just an occasional sun visor.
Groucho Marx

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” She replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.
Unknown

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was ‘You’ll never find anyone like me again!’ I’m thinking, ‘I should hope not! If I don’t want you, why would I want someone like you?’
Anonymous

The opposite sex is the most dangerous
and addictive drug out there,
but the high is unlike anything else.

Always remember, money isn’t everything – but also remember to make a lot of it before talking such fool nonsense.
Earl Wilson

If the world were ruled by women then there would be no war… just couple of nations not talking with each other.

You can figure out how bad a person you are by how soon after September 11th you masturbated, like how long you waited… and for me it was between the two buildings going down… I had to do it, otherwise they’d win.
Louis CK

When we got married I told my wife “If you leave me, I’m going with you. And she never did.
James Fineous McBride

Honesty is the best policy — when there is money in it.
Mark Twain

I was sued by a woman who claimed that she became pregnant because she watched me on television and I bent her contraceptive coil.
Uri Geller

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing — and then marry him.
Cher

Success gives some people big heads, and others big headaches.

Women have a passion for mathematics. They divide their age in half, double the price of their clothes, and always add at least 5 years to the age of their best friend.

The first thing men notice about a woman is her eyes. Then, when her eyes aren’t looking, they notice her breasts.
Conan OBrien

Now don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.

In order for three people to keep a secret, two must be dead.
Benjamin Franklin

If we weren’t supposed to eat animals, how come they’re made of meat?
Unknown

Better to keep quiet and only let people think you’re an idiot than to speak up and confirm it.
Unknown

I spent most of my money on booze and women. The rest I wasted.
John Laws