Why go to college? There’s Google.
As you were, I was. As I am, you will be.
I used to think that you were pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
Women have a passion for mathematics. They divide their age in half, double the price of their clothes, and always add at least 5 years to the age of their best friend.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience. LOLzzzzz
George Bernard Shaw
Every successful enterprise requires three men – a dreamer, a businessman, and a son-of-a-bitch.
Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.
Life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, so waste your time and have the time of your life!
Have you ever had a fly or small bug land on your computer screen and your first reaction is to try and scare it with the cursor?
Death is nature’s way of saying, Your table’s ready.
There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn’t stand for that.
I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.
Man with hole in pocket, feel cocky all day.
I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, “Get the hell off my property.”
In the primary school, I was an outstanding student. My teacher would send me to stand outside of the class as a punishment.
Dude, are my eyes seeing what my brain is telling my eyes that they’re seeing?
There are three types of people in this world: those who make things happen, those who watch things happen and those who wonder what happened.
Teacher ends the class early with “okay that’s enough for today; I need to update my face-book status.
Some people live upside down. They like to talk out their ass and the only thing that comes outta their mouth is shit.
Graduation Speech: I’d like to thank the internet, Google, Wikipedia, Microsoft Word, and Copy & Paste.
It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.
TV has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working with one.
Cheese, wine, and a friend must be old to be good.
If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight.
Chaos, Panic, Pandemonium – my work here is done.
May I be excused? My brain is full.
I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.