Don’t let your mind wander, Its too little to be let out alone.
Microsoft bought Skype for 8,5 billions!.. what a bunch of idiots! I downloaded it for free!
The human body was designed by a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?
After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say “I WANT TO SEE THE MANAGER.”.
William S. Burroughs
Some people come into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts, while others come into our lives and make us wanna leave footprints on their face.
God made mud, God made dirt, God made boys so girls can flirt.
I didn’t fall. The floor just needed a hug.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first. And, whatever you hit, call it the target.
When a subject becomes totally obsolete we make it a required course.
Peter F. Drucker
Kids are like farts. You don’t mind your own, but other peoples are unbearable.
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.
The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.
They’ve finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.
Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.
People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who haven’t what they want that they don’t want it.
We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don’t like?
Sorry, I can’t hangout. My uncle’s cousin’s sister in law’s best friend’s insurance agent’s roommate’s pet goldfish died. Maybe next time.
What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?
Thank you Facebook, I can now farm without going outside, cook without being in my kitchen, feed fish I don’t have & waste an entire day without having a life.
Arguing about whether the glass is half full or half empty misses the point, which is this: the bartender cheated you.
If you ask me anything I don’t know, I’m not going to answer.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
Don’t you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?
I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, “I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.” And I said, “I am.”
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it’s hard to get it back in.
If you are talking behind my back, you are in a good position to kiss my a$$.
Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government.
Yes, madam, I am drunk. But in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
Winston Churchill (I like this funny quote the most)