Chaos, Panic, Pandemonium – my work here is done.
May I be excused? My brain is full.
Nobody goes where the crowds are anymore. It’s too crowded.
Don’t let your mind wander, Its too little to be let out alone.
Microsoft bought Skype for 8,5 billions!.. what a bunch of idiots! I downloaded it for free!
The human body was designed by a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first. And, whatever you hit, call it the target.
What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?
Arguing about whether the glass is half full or half empty misses the point, which is this: the bartender cheated you.
If you ask me anything I don’t know, I’m not going to answer.
Don’t you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?
I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, “I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.” And I said, “I am.”
Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it’s hard to get it back in.
If you are talking behind my back, you are in a good position to kiss my a$$.
The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government.
Yes, madam, I am drunk. But in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
Winston Churchill (I like this funny quote the most)
This girl rang me up one time, she says “come over, nobody is home”, I went over, no one was home!
That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can’t say No in any of them.
I don’t have a license to kill. I have learners permit!
Congrats on getting married… (Inside card) – It’s not everyday you decide to ruin your life.